There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
