My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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