so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
