They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
