I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
