Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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