Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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