sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You made out with two different species that night
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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