If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
