Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
