; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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