Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
