Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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