you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
