ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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