I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
