Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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