Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
