Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
