Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
