glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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