i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
