Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
