Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
