Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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