I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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