I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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