I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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