smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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