there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.