So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
is wine microwaveable?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Is Oprah even human
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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