I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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