I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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