Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
