I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
