He uses pillows to masturbate.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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