so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
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I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
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ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy