You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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