Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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