When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
