You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
we're so committed to being not committed
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
