I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
