new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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