I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
