my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
