I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The beers last night were like the tears from god
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
