you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
