fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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