I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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