I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.