I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
