he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
