On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
