it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
