If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
