I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
