2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
