I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
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im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
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You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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