My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
