Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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