I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
