Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
